Allow the thoughts to come to the surface, then let them go.
I've been thinking about blogging. Just like I was thinking about raising my hand in the 40 days group last week. When Stacey said "I feel like there is someone else who wants to share but isn't putting their hand up." I felt like she was speaking directly to me. I didn't have the guts then but after this week, I do. I have a sense of empowerment today.
I got out of restorative yoga with Holly and I thought "wow this was just what I needed." It's so unlike me to take a "restorative" anything in my life. I don't stop. "Go hard or go home" has been my mantra for a long time.
So last week was so hard because all the guilt and anxiety I've had in my life came to the surface. I was mad, enraged even, and really rotten to be around last week. I was hoping that this practice would make me so much softer and sweeter but it really burned me. I didn't even want to be around myself for most of last week! Then this week came along I learned to just let go.
I'm being open (with myself, most importantly). I have spent my entire life competing with me--- just myself. Sure I've compared myself to others but I've spent a lot of time comparing myself to my ideal self mostly. I never was beautiful enough, smart enough, kind enough, strong enough-- the list goes on. All the being "not enough" led me to so much guilt in who I am. Eventually I did something constructive about it after years and years of tearing myself down. I turned to running. I found refuge in the meditative state I could be in when I hit the pavement. Feet turned to miles. One mile, a 5k, 10ks, half marathons, marathons, so much training-- then my joints started to break down. "Worthless, again." I would literally run 10 miles and feel guilty that it wasn't 11. "I'm better than this. I can do better." I ran through pain, tears, and when I was done- HA I SHOWED YOU! I competed with no one but myself and my ego. I called it "drive" or "commitment". It's a positive way to be- until you abuse yourself over every little thing. Then I found power yoga thanks to my friend Sam. She said it was challenging. Yoga? I run marathons (talk about arrogance for someone who had little self worth). Child's pose in the middle of practice? Not an option for this girl. Get my drift? But I fell in love with yoga and then I hurt my wrist and had to take nearly a year off. The fact that I couldn't get through a class really bruised my idea of who I was. "Still weak". Slowly I introduced yoga practice back into my life and HAD to take it easy. I was forced to and it made me learn. BUT- I have to say-these 2 weeks-they made me really open my eyes and heart. Doing the 40 days has already transformed me (in such a brief time) to actually start thinking: I am strong, I am kind, I am a good nurse, a good daughter, a good friend, a good wife. I am successful and driven (in that positive way). I am committed. I am worthy. It's speaking into all aspects of my life not just my physical being.
So all that to say, even when the guilt I have for the things I've done or have not done creep up, and I think "I'm not enough" I come back to my breath and I remember I don't need to compete with myself anymore. I am enough.
SHPY 40 Days Participant - Winter 2016