This challenge so far has been filled with many ups and downs. But I finally had a breakthrough.
Tuesday, after an interview, which brought to the surface much anxiety, I went to Deb's yoga class. I had so much mental exhaustion and emotion that I sweat it all out. I breathed into the poses and I was able to chill the hell out and enjoy the stretches. It felt amazing shutting my mind down for a change. I walked into that class feeling like crap, and I walked away from the class feeling like I could take on the world- that I was fully capable of solving my silly problems. So thank you, Deb.
I am going to be completely honest and admit the first week, (and maybe even this week) I have half assed the work. I committed to the challenge to have accountability for my yoga practice. I knew I needed some change. I felt emptiness in my life and I thought spiritual fulfillment might fill the void. To force myself after a stressful day to go to yoga instead of going to negative coping mechanisms, that in itself is success. Everything prior to this is side noise, mindless brain chatter to my point. So I shall continue...
I hated the mediation part. My mind never stops. I put a wall up because I believed I would never be able to meditate. Many times the first week, when I tried to meditate my mind wandered, I fell asleep, or I didn't give it my all. I just did it to get the chore done. To cross it off my to-do list. No rhythm, rhyme or meaning. Not finding any value in it other than a waste of time. On Wednesday morning, I sat down to meditate before my most hated day of the week. And that is when I noticed the change.
I normally sat there in a different world with my thoughts, usually focusing my mind towards the future responsibilities of the day. Also (at night) I would focus on the responsibilities that I didn't complete, or things I wish I would have done differently. That morning, I heard Jen Lee's voice from the recording say "acknowledge the pattern of your thoughts." I noticed that my thoughts were no longer full of anxiety or planning, or any other nonsense. Of course, there was a lot of mind chatter. But it was mindless mind chatter. Thoughts that did not evoke negative emotion in me.
After a day of work, in which I felt many different emotions, but mainly drained and exhausted. (I work with special needs individuals as their mentor, and I am constantly driving and traffic and constantly on the go.) My mind said, meditate. I went to my quiet spot, and I meditated. That was when it clicked. I felt still. I felt calm. I felt nothing other than my breath, and my body. For the first time, I was able to sit in silence, and think of NOTHING. After the ten minutes, I opened my eyes, and I felt like I was brand new. I realized I enjoy my meditation time. I realized I AM capable of calming my mind. I am capable of being present. I did it.
SHPY 40 Days Participant - Winter 2016